The Head

More random pics until I get an actual idea...

2006-05-17T19:46:00.000-07:00

2006-05-15T17:56:00.000-07:00

Random

2006-05-13T18:58:00.000-07:00

Fire bad

2006-04-05T16:45:00.000-07:00

Hey kids.

The Head has taken a little longer than intended for his follow up post. For that, The Head is sorry. A combination of stress, insomnia, writers block, and a blazing inferno are to blame.

Yes. Blazing Inferno.

A week or so ago, Stately Head Manor suffered a wee bit of a problem. It burnt down. Now The Head knows what you're thinking, and contrary to what one would naturally assume, the blaze didn't start because of 17 young babes spontaneously combusting after having enjoyed "Space Mountain". No, this inferno of volcanic proportion had another cause...

May haps The Head should start from the beginning...

---

It was a quiet evening. The Head had just returned home after having saved the world from the diabolical Tom Cruise's latest plan for global conquest (let's just say it involved 11 beavers, a barrel of honey, and a giant sign that said "No really, I'm not gay!"), and was relaxing with a nice glass of cognac while reading 9 different newspapers in 9 different languages (The Tibetan Hairy Yak Times is a personal favorite). It was a nice, relaxing soiree. Or so The Head thought.

While contemplating the vast and all encompassing mysteries of the universe (who would win in a fight, Vin Diesel or Bea Arthur) and answering a flurry of phone calls (For the last time, The Head won't replace Beyonce in Destiny's Child!!!), The Head sought a refuge from the trials of the day. While sitting in front of his super Headputer, reading articles on the internet 19 seconds before they are even written, and enjoying the 7 course meal that his faithful canine's had made for him, a strange feeling overtook him. The Head, through years of intense martial arts training and surviving in the jungle with nothing other than an easy bake oven, knew that something was wrong... Very, very wrong.

Smoke! The Head could clearly smell smoke! The Head sprang into action, doing a textbook triple back flip into a quintuple sow cow, and finishing with jazz hands. Quickly, The Head had to make certain everyone was okay! Using his amazing ability to speak fluent dog, The Head instructed his faithful canine companions to flee Stately Head Manor! The dogs then spent the next 20 seconds or so licking themselves. But after that, they boldly put on their Head brand Jetpacks, and flew to safety. Then Head ran to the hallway connecting all 13 bedrooms and yelled;

"Stately Head Manor is ablaze! Quickly, Jessica Alba, Natalie Portman, Angelina Jolie, Avril Lavigne, Charlize Theron, Betty Rubble, Scarlet Johansen, Britney Spears from 1999, Alyson Hannigan, Halle Berry, girl I picked up at the bar that I thought was hot but it turned out to be a bad case of beer goggles, Lucy Liu and Avril Lavigne's sluttier schoolgirl clone, put on your clothes and get out of here!"

Now, certain that Stately Head Manor was empty, The Head went about finding out the source of the problem. Smoke billowed from all directions, slowing The Head's progress. Unable to see, The Head was forced to use sonar:

"Scree, Scree!"

Ah, that way!

The Head raced towards the rear o Stately Head Manor. The Head was close. The smoke was noticeably thicker. The odor more pungent. These clues and a thousand other minute details that the average person would miss led The Head to believe that the fire was coming from the room directly in front of him. Well, that and the fact that the door was really fucking hot. Naturally it happened to be the room where The Head kept his priceless collection of antique things that explode violently.

Just as The Head was about to open the door, a violent explosion blow the door right off it's hinges, sending The Head flying backwards, whereupon The Head landed on his feet, as graceful as a cat. Standing in the fiery remains of the doorway was a man, cloaked all in black. A deep voice echoed from within his hooded face, speaking in a low and guttural tone.

"Sup bitch!"

And then he struck. His kung fu was indeed strong. An odd mix of Flying Donkey style, with a dash of Elderly Blind Goat form and just a little Crazy Old Lady Purse Slapping style. The Head, one of the greatest master's of the Fu that the world had ever seen, had truly met his match on this day!

Struck down by the ferocity of the cloaked man's martial arts, surrounded by the burning walls of Stately Head Manor, The Head could only look up at the man who had destroyed his home and say;

"Who are you masked stranger?"

Slowly, the figure removed the hood that covered his face. The face of a black man in his fifties greeted The Head.

"So Head, now you know who I am!"

Confused, The Head could only say "Who in the blue fuck are you?"

Clearly irate, the man said, "Once I had a name. But, the world has forgotten it. Even I can no longer remember my own name. Now I am only known as... THE BLACK GUY FROM GHOSTBUSTERS!!!

Now, The Head must admit to being a little afraid at that point... That was until...

"Hey wait... There was a black guy in Ghostbusters? Really? Let's see... Bill Murray... Dan Ackroyd... The nerdy guy... Are you sure?"

Suddenly, the arsonist was irate. "Of course I am sure! You see I'm not part of the team at the start, then I kinda join in..."

"Oh yeah. Well what do you know. Sorry, I guess I forgot about you..."

"Don't worry about it, happens all the time."

"No no, it was rude. I'm sorry."

"Seriously, it's ok. Oh, by the way..."

"Yes?"

"I called my family long distance, and I didn't use 1-800-Call ATT."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooo!!!"

And The Head sprang to his feet, once again ready to fight! What happened next was a slow motion, music montage fight scene.

My baloney has a first name,
It's O-s-c-a-r.
My Baloney has a second name,
It's M-e-y-e-r...

Correction. What happened next was a slow motion, montage fight scene, with strangely inappropriate music.

For more than 11 seconds, the ferocious battle wore on. But then, just as it looked like all would be lost for The Head, The Head realized what The Head had to do. Quickly, The Head gathered all of The Head's energy, all of The Head's focus, remembered all the training, and with one fell swoop, kicked The Black Guy From Ghostbusters right in the nuts.

Now, an ordinary man might have just left him there, as the house burned around him, and fled to safety. Not The Head though. No, the Head handcuffed the SOB so he couldn't get away!!! Burn fucker burn!

Sadly, Stately Head Manor did not survive the fire. Silently, The Head wept as his home was destroyed in front of his very eyes.

However, to this day, it is said that on a particularly clear night, you can still here a ghostly voice say:

"Who you gonna call?"

---

Well, that's the story. None of it is true, of course, but that's the story.

---

Oh, on a side note:

The Head is very good friends with a very sick little boy named... um... Roger. He has asked The Head to help him with a special request.

If you are:

1) A chick.

and

2) Reasonably hot.

Little Billy... what? Oh yeah, little Roger needs him some dirty pictures of youz. The doctor's say that in order to get better he needs some quality pics of hot blogger chicks.

Please send any pics that qualify to:

askthehead@gmail.com

Now, I know what you're thinking. And you have my absolute promise that The Head won't (and by won't I mean will) attach my Head to the body in a crude display of humor.

Thank you all for helping poor Timmy... I mean Roger, out.

Giving you Head

2006-03-15T18:51:00.000-08:00

Hey kids, been awhile hasn't it? The Head sincerely apologizes for his extended leave of absence, but he swears he has a really good excuse! Suffice it to say, it involves Robot Pirate Nazi Cannibal Ninjas who were trying to hurt the peaceful Busty Nympho Barely Legal Cheerleaders from the planet TittyTittyMcBoobles. I could tell you more, but then The Head would have to make it up.

But seriously folks, The Head needed a little R&R, so he decided that an extended vacation was in order. So, The Head decided it was time to travel... you know, see the world. Of course, being a giant disembodied head does sometimes have it's disadvantages, but The Head gets a kick ass discount on airfare.

At any rate, The Head is not interested in boring the lot of you with silly banter. No, The Head wants to do what every moron back from vacation longs to do... Bore the sweet fuck out of people with vacation pictures! So sit back kids, and get a small glimpse of what The Head did during his travels...

---

To start with, The Head decided to hit Disneyworld. While there, he found a few other things to hit...

---

From there, The Head decided to visit jolly old England. Why? Because The Head loves motherfucking tea!

The Head met a few good chaps though. But man, one dude's GF was an absolute bitch!

---

After all the excitement of England (73 Chavs trying to pick a fight by saying "Did you call me gay?" gets old quick), The Head needed to relax a bit. Naturally, this meant a visit to Milwaukee!

I am now paying a shrink 100 bucks a session to convince me that such a place does not exist.

---

Horrified by Milw-... Milwa-... Mi-... That place, The Head needed a little excitement. A little thunder. A little risky living. The Head needed to let loose and enjoy life. What does that mean?

VEGAS BABY!

The Head was drunk and lost a bet, ok? OK???

---

Disturbed and needing a little bit more of a bohemian vibe, The Head decided to take a try in Cali. The Head hadn't been to Cali since his brief stint as Wesley Snipe's stunt double.

It was an odd trip though. More or less uneventful. The only thing of note that happened was that some ferociously hot chicky tossed a pair of sunglasses on The Head's head and snapped his picture while he partied. That was really weird. The Head nailed her, of course. The Head understands that she is even now trying to re-learn how to walk.

---

Tired and a little dehydrated, The Head had one more stop to make on his vacation. Something that The Head had just always wanted to do...

I'll show that little fucker to try and eat my dots!!! He's such a bitch...

---

After that though, The Head was tired. He had seen a lot, and felt oddly revitalized. The Head felt like himself once more.

So The Head decided to go back to his roots, and write dumb stuff on this blog. Don't expect any sort of higher quality stuff though. The Head still caters to nothing but the lowest brow! Hehehe... boobies.

Anyway, that was The Head's vacation folks. If there was a lesson to be learned, The Head didn't learn it. Time to get drunk.

2006-03-11T21:31:00.000-08:00

He's coming.

Sometimes the sunset beckons...

2005-11-20T16:36:00.000-08:00

Hi everyone. My name is Shawn Langlois. Many months ago I started this blog as a little joke. I didn't really have anything to say, or any real plans, I just had a few silly pictures.

However, quickly, the blog took on a life of its own. The Head emerged as a personality all his own. I never thought of myself as being The Head, rather I saw The Head as either a part of me, or sometime even a persona I slipped into. He said things I would never say, and do things I would never do.

All The Head ever wanted was to make people laugh. I like to think that he succeeded more often than he failed, and that some of the strangeness people found on this blog made people smile. I know for a fact (since he once told me) that very often, the highlight of The Head's day was to see somebody comment with laughter, and say how funny they thought a particular post was.

However, lately, The Head has been around less and less. Maybe he's been out partying with the ladies, maybe he's been in a neverending string of bar fights, kicking ass and taking names. The truth is, I haven't been able to find The Head lately, no matter how hard I looked. Every once in a while he pokes his head in (and what a large Head it is), asks for a few bucks, and takes off again. But he never seems to be around long enough to post anything.

This weekend I saw him for only a split second. I managed to take a quick photo before he sauntered off into the sunset. He left a small note, which I'll transcribe at the end of this post.

Now, don't go thinking that this is the end or anything. Even after the hero rides off into the sunset, sometimes the bad guys come back, and there's always room for a sequel. When The Head is needed, I feel it in my heart that he'll come back. When he finds that little twinkle in his eye again, I'm sure he'll have plenty to say.

At any rate, I'd like to thank every and anyone who has read this blog. I won't be taking it down or anything, so all the old stuff will still be here. I just don't know when I'll next be updating it.

Take care kids

---

This is the note I got from The Head:

---

Dear Christopher Robin,

It's been a fun ride. Tell everyone that they rock for me. Sorry to split, but there's a hunny tree that's kinda far away that needs my attention. Take care kid.

Your bud,

Pooh

The Head and Halloween

2005-10-26T20:04:00.000-07:00

Here's a quick runby of Ask the Head. The segment of our program where you ask for The Head's advice. Kind of like Dr. Phil, only The Head doesn't suck.

---

Dear The Head,

First of all, I'd like to extend my warmest congratulations on your recent stupendous achievement: landing the type of job that every man/boy dreams of. (No, I don't mean that your a nebulous man/boy and I don't mean a job as an Offensive Materials Evaluator for Canadian Customs, although the government was recently hiring people to watch porn all day and
unfortunately I did not have the proper Bachelor's degree for that. Go figure.)

My question is: I am a huge fan of BigAssHead blog and would like to pay tribute to my favorite blogger by going as The Head to a Halloween function. Could you give me some advice on clothing, mannerisms, expressions, etc. that would really enable me to embody the spirit of The Head? Thanks!

Big Ass Fan

---

Dear Big Ass Fan (Why do you like Big Asses? Is it more cushion for the pushin'?),

Thank you very much. For those of you who don't know, The Head has recently been employed as a video games tester. Yes folks, The Head sits in his tush all day, plays video games, and then gets paid for it. Why is this important? It isn't really, I guess, I just like to rub peaople's faces into the fact that I rule and they suck. But I digress...

Second of all, The Head does not appreciate being called "nebulous man/boy". To start with, The Head does not know what 'nebulous' means, and therefore must assume that it means 'cabbage'. Calling somebody a 'cabbage man/boy' is just hurtful. Mostly because I dislike cabbage.

Next item. It takes a Bacelor's Degree to watch porn? What? Has The Head been doing it wrong somehow? Is he supposed to recognize the various 'subtle nuances' that occur when Debbie somehow manages to do all of Dallas? What a revelation. The Head can no longer watch porn since he is unqualified! Once again the government has taken it to da man! Damn them, for they are truly cabbage man/boys!!!

Now, on to your question. This is an excellent question. The Head cannot tell you how often it gets brought up (mostly because as a cabbage man/boy, The Head lacks the ability to remember well).

There are two schools of thought on the matter. School 1: The clothes do not matter. Remember, you are a Giant Disembodied Head. The only article of clothing that is even remotely appropriate is an ascot, simply because they are cool, and Freddie from Scooby Doo wore one. No, to capture the essence of Head, it is all, ironically enough, in the head.

The first thing to note is that one must have the proper scowl. This is hard to teach, but the crux of it is to imagine that you smell a tuna and vanilla pudding caserole that's been sitting out a little too long. That should give you a nice base scowl, which you can work with from there.

The next step is to make sure you have no hair. This can easilly be accomplished in one of three ways. A) Shave your head. B) Obtain a skin tone skull cap to hide your hair. C) Work for a small publisher that makes you pull out your own hair. Either way is acceptable.

Manerisms that you should note: Make sure to scowl, scowling is of course key, but also throw in the occasional grimace, and add just the tiniest bit of random anger. When all else fails, look like you went poopie.

Expressions: These are also important. Make sure to remember to say things like "Fuck dat shit, yo", "I hate bacon", and "Whose yo Daddy? Da HEad is yo Daddy, foshizzle". These will get you through most conversations. For example:

"Hello there, what wonderful weather we are having, isn't it?"

To which you would respond: "Fuck dat shit, yo."

"Wow, I really enjoy watching the local sporting team, don't you?"

To which you would reply: "I hate bacon."

And Finally, "I really wish I could find my biological parents."

To which you say: "Who's your Daddy."

See? Easy as pie. Tasty, tasty pie.

Well there we have, this is how you can dress up as The Head for Halloween. I hope that this guide has... What? I promised a second school of thought? Do I have to? I'm tired. Ok, ok, fine... sheesh.

School of Thought 2: Simply disregard the previous advice and dress slutty. Reeeeal slutty. Then send The Head pictures. Or video. Either one. The Head ain't picky.

Blantantly trying to like the Irish...

2005-10-21T21:41:00.000-07:00

"Hey Adam, what myth are we tackling today?"

"Why Jaime, today we have the myth of how deep exactly is the stick in your ass!"

"Sniff... So this is what it's like, when doves cry..."

The Head Pities Many Fools.

2005-10-17T23:11:00.000-07:00

I love you Mr. Frodo!!!

2005-10-17T22:59:00.000-07:00

The Head's Long Lost Brother.

2005-10-17T22:43:00.000-07:00

The Head Meets... Siegfried & Roy

2005-10-14T22:50:00.000-07:00

What if The Head was Superman...

2005-10-13T20:33:00.000-07:00

Drive By Post

2005-10-12T22:54:00.000-07:00

Hey kids. Just wanted to let everyone know that The Head is sorry he's a bad little fuck and not posting, but he expects that will change, as The Head is no longer on the verge of collapse. The Head is finally feeling Headier, and wants to start putting more innane shit on this sorry sack of a blog. With that in mind, here's a little something that isn't really funny, but should at least give you all a glimpse at the inner psyche of the mysterious being known only as, The Head.

---

The Head and Porn!!!

Here I will ask myself a series of questions related to Porn, and then answer them, hoping that this will generate a few low brow laughs, and possibly even lead to you bitches feeling even more disgust towards me. Here we go.

Do you like Porn?

Yes and no. It's kinda complicated. Porn to me, is almost like a painting. It has both a contect and a subcontext. Unless you examine all the layers and search for the hidden meaning, you will be left feeling unsatisfied. To sum up, Da Head likes da tig ol' bitties!

Do you rent or buy "porno films"?

Hi there idiot. Welcome to the internet. A device so fucking wonderful, that if you spend a few hours you can eventually find a 30 second clip of bad porn that plays in a 3 inch box on your monitor, opens up 63 pop ups, and installs all sorts of spyware on your computer! If you play that clip over and over again, it eventually becomes hot enough to wank to! Rent or buy porn? Welcome to the digital age, asshole.

Do you like girl on girl porn?

Yes. Yes I do.

Why?

Many reasons really. 1) There ain't no 47 inch peckers to make me feel innadequate. 2) I don't have to be frightened that Ron Jeremy's hairy ass might show up. 3) The girls... like... do stuff with each other. 4) Twice the boobies for your dollar!

What about gay porn? Have you ever seen man on man porn?

The Head isn't afraid to admit that he has. He's secure in himself. What? What do you mean that wasn't gay porn? What was it then? Britney Spears' Sex Tape? What the... You sure? But she had a... And she put it in his... And they... Wow.

Have you seen the PAris Hilton Sex Tape?

The Head has seen some of it. He didn't feel the need to watch more of it, since when Paris is naked, she kind of looks like a 13 year old boy, and the entire thing made The Head feel vaguely uncomfortable. Also, given her lack of reaction... Hotdog... Hallway. Nuff said.

What about the Pamela Anderson/Tommy Lee tape?

Yeah... It can be summed up like this: Not fucking, not fucking, not fucking, not fucking, not fucking, HOLY SHIT LOOK AT THE SIZE OF HIS WANG, not fucking, not fucking, not fucking, over.

Have you and your friends ever watched porn together?

Sadly yes. I think this is a rite that every young man goes through. Sitting there, rather uncomfortably, trying to watch porn while making sure that both hands are visible to all your friends at all times. Unfortunately, every group of friends has that one guy who "goes to the bathroom" every five minutes.

Have you ever watched porn with a significant other?

Oh fuck... The only one that the Head can remember is this one from like 1981, called The Canterbury Tales or something really similar. Want to know what The Head remembers? The biggest, thickest, fullest bushes in recorded history. This shit started at the chicks belly button, and went down mid thingh. It kinda looked like Dom Deluise. Then, the guy was this hairy neanderthal looking dude, and then unmercifully kept showing close ups of his bung hole while he did his atomic thrusts.
Fuuuuuuck.

Do you like the "money shot"?

This is a pet peeve. Why the fuck do I want to see another man fling his gak? Number one, that just ain't pretty. Number two, what are these guys, Super Soakers?

- "Time for the cum shot Eduardo!"

- "Aiiieee ieeee!"

- "Ok everyone, go fix yourself a coffe, this could take awhile."

- "Hey, I think he just killed that pigeon."

What the fuck is the point of a camera zeroing in on this? Why can't the money shot just be implied?

- "Oh baby, I'm gonna burst my rod of lordly might!"

- "Oh Johnny!"

Fade to black

- "Wow, that was swell. I've never seen an eruption that big before, have you?"

- "No."

Eh? Isn't that just a lot more pleasant?

One last question. Would you ever consider being in porn yourself?

This is a complicated question. It depends on a few factors really.

1) The money has to be right.

2) It has to be tastefully done with a good script and a strong story.

3) It has to be a clean and safe working environment.

4) Avril Lavigne's career has to gave tanked to such a degree that porn is the only avenue she has left.

Like I said, a complicated question.

---

Is it just me or was this post just plain disgusting and not particularly funny? Ah fuck, they can't all be gold.

Things The Head Hates

2005-09-14T21:46:00.000-07:00

The Head is now simply going to list things that he hates, or just plain piss him off.

- People who drive 20. Why? Why the fuck do you need to go that slow? If you aren't comfortable driving any faster, walk. You'll get there just as fast, and The Head won't have to hire Ninjas to kill you.

- People who stand three inches away to talk to you. Personal space! If you're that close to me you must want me. Don't be surprised if this conclusion leads me to grab your ass, or slug. This occurs on a case by case basis.

- Restaurants that give you tiny ass portions, and justify it by making it "look pretty". I don't care. I'm just gonna turn it into poo!

- Quirky gay friends on TV. Why are they also so delightfully zanny? Are there not any morose, not on speed gay people in the world?

- Spongebob Squarepants. Why is this funny? Where are the jokes? Is he funny because he's a sponge? Because he has square pants?

- Male nipples. Why do we have them? What purpose do they serve?

- Art that doesn't look like anything. I can paint two lines, a dot, and a squiggle. That doesn't make it art. That makes it shit. Unless it's a picture of dogs playing poker, or boobs, The Head don't care.

- Musicians, and I use the term loosely, that put out a greatest hits album before they even have three albums to your name. Yes Hilary Duff, The Head is looking at you, you fugly annorexic biatch.

- SUVs in the city. What purpose does this monstrosity serve? It's huge, eats gas, and causes accidents. They take up 7 parking spaces, and make everyone's life miserable. See many mountain ranges in the city? No? They don't drive a death machine to make up for your tiny tinky!

- Flashback episodes of tv shows. If you have no ideas, and don't want to spend the cash to put something new on the air, just admit it, and show me some boobies. Don't waste The Head's time by having him watch a compilation of the show.

- Mullets. Let me clarify. The Head hates people with mullets who think it's cool. If you have a mullet, but realize your lame, then your fine.

- Hugh Grant. He has a hot ass model girlfriend, so naturally he gets head from a nasty whore. Then you top it off with the fact that's he rich, and makes movies. Oh, and every movie he makes is exactly the same! Fuck off Hugh.

- Use of the words "honky" or "cracker" as a derogatory word for white people. Here's a hint. We don't care!

- Ringo Starr. John and George are gone, but this Beatle still lives? Where's the justice in this?

- The O.C., One Tree Hill, Summerland... Are these actually different shows?

- People who send mass emails to everyone they know (all 33,875 of them) containing a one line joke. If the list of recipients is longer than the text itself, I don't want to hear it.

- Peepul hoo tipe like dis. Y u wood rite dis way is beond me. lmaoroflomg!!!1!11!
Learn how to type, have some grasp of spelling, and stop writing like a fucking idiot!

- Destiny's Child. Stop bullshitting the world and just call it Beyonce and the Other Two.

- When you go to take a piss in the men's washroom somewhere that has 20 unused urinals, and someguy decides to use the one right next to you. That pisses me off. If he decides to talk to me, he dies.

- Sushi. It tastes like shit, everyone knows that it tastes like shit, yet people eat it. Why? I try to be nice and tell people that it's raw fish. They respond "It's a delicasy silly! It's yummy!" So I call them a moron and slash their tires.

- Hobos who ask The Head for money. You see the scowl on The Head's face? That's how he looks all the time. Does The Head look like somebody that's going to give you money?

- Punks who wear their pants haveway down their legs. I went to the store once and saw something called a 'belt'. The guy who worked there informed me that it would 'keep one's pants up'. Problem solved.

- Fuckers who try and butt in line ahead of you. Do you not think that I know what the back of the guy's head in front of me looks like? I've been behind him for the past half hour. You aren't fooling me. Go home, you suck.

- Hot lesbians who don't let me watch. What practical purpose do you serve?

- Pabst Blue Ribbon. "Let's have Canadians piss in a bottle so we can sell it as beer!" Bad beer company, bad!

- Idiots who post lists of things they hate on their blog. Wait... Um... Uh... Later.

What the fickety fuck?!?

2005-09-14T21:30:00.000-07:00

Somebody stop the world. Britney Spears has created spawn!

Ok, I don't live under a rock or anything, I knew that the cum dumpster was pregnant, but I guess I somehow figured that the government was going to do something about it. Alas no. The Britster has delivered a bouncing baby boy.

What... the... fuck?

Isn't there a law that says who can and cannot procreate? No? Really? Well there bloody well should be. Britney Spears is a slack jawed yokel without a lick of musical talent who became famous because she had a hard body and was barely an adult. Fine, I can deal with that shit. But fuck, that was years ago! Why the fuck does she still apply?

Have you seen her lately? For christ's sake... I never thought she was anything special, but at least I would have said "Why not... I've got some time to kill. Sure I'll tap that shit yo." Lately? I'd rather fuck Mickey Mouse than this ex-mouseketeer. I've seen trash that is less trashier than this bitch. I mean really. She spent years telling the world she was a good girl, didn't drink or smoke, and would be a virgin until she got married. Yeah. Sure. We believe you Brit. We never saw pics of you with a cig in your mouth. We never saw pics of you absolutely shit faced. Admit it, you've seen more cocks than the typical farmer.

Oh, oh, oh! It gets better! Who's the daddy of this hellspawned creature? Kevin Federfuckingline! Cover model for "Worthless Hobo Monthly!" Who is this fuckup, and why is he on my TV? What was Britney Spears thinking? I can have any guy I want, so I'll take the nastiest, scuzziest, train wreck of a dickwad I can find, and have him gimme da goods?

Do you remember the days when Christina Aguillera was the trashy one?

Fuck this... I could ramble on for a while longer, but this just isn't going anywhere. I'll just say this: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, COULD SOMEBODY PLEASE STAPLE BRITNEY'S FUCKING LEGS TOGETHER???

Shedding light on the mystery that is The Head.

2005-09-10T23:45:00.000-07:00

Hey kids, sorry about the long delay between posts. The Head has been dealing with a major case of writer's block, a lack of ideas, and general laziness when it comes to this blog. The fact that this post is the best I could come up with after a month away, should prove this to you.

This post is designed to shed some light as to who The Head is, and from whence he came. The topic at hand is... Celebrity Crushes.

Admit it, we've all had em. Celebrities are hot, they're in our face, and let's be honest, we want to fuck the absolute ever loving shit out of them. The Head will list some of his own Celebrity Crushes he's had over the years. The Head will attempt to put them in some sort of chronological order, but he makes no promises as a life of heavy drinking, hard core drug use, and 2 labotomies has left his memory somewhat unreliable. In other words, he won't try too fucking hard.

The Head also challenges other bloggers to get on the bandwagon, and tell the world of their celebrity crushes! Remember bitches, sharing is caring!

With nothing else for The Head to dribble on about... here we go.

This is Blair from the eighties sitcom, The Facts of Life. The Head has no earthly why he wanted to tap this. The only thing he can figure is that she is blond, and when The Head was naught but a wee wittle Head, the fucking media used it's propaganda to brain wash The Head. I mean clearly, she is not hot. Blair was a rich snob of a bitch, and everyone should hate her. Go on. Hate her!

However, it may also have been that she was simply the prettiest by default. Jo was obviously a hardcore feminist lesbian. Let's just skip the fat one. And while The Head considers himself an open minded and non racially motivated Head nowadays, back in his youth, the media simply did not portray very many racially mixed couples. Therefore, The Head simply did not even consider Tutti. The fact that she's ugly also probably cemented this though.

At any rate, The Head does not know what he was thinking.

NEXT!

Recognize this girl? I certainly didn't. However, back in the... what, late eighties, early nineties, there was a show called Just the Ten of Us. It was the spin off of some equally forgettable show.

This chicky, who's name is Jamie Luner if it matters, was this hot ass red head on the show. The essential premise of the show was that this ugly fat dude had really hot daughters. Yeah, sounds like a winner, huh? That's about the extent of the show which lasted somewhere in the are of 13 minutes.

At any rate, The Head was a young Head, just getting started with the puberty. When this fine little tart was on screen, The Heads teeny boy pecker would come alive. All of sudden, The Head had to abandon his ever so comfy jogging pants, and move on to a sturdier material. (Side Note: How many of you went to high school with some dude who simply never gave in and always wore jogging pants? Everytime the teacher would call him to the board or something he'd be sporting this raging hard on for the world to see. We had one at our school, named Leon. The low point of his life must have been when giving a presentation with his pole pointing north, some guy successfully lobbed an elastic band over it).

So, Jamie Luner. Helped me into puberty. Now... she looks like shit. Next!

There I was, just a young teen in an arcade. A new game came out. Street Fighter II. Me and my friends play. It's a great deal of fun! Suddenly we realize that there's a chick in the game. So we try her out. We all stare dumbfounded at this animated woman. After about five minutes, we collectively look down towards our crotches, look at one another, excuse ourselves and rush home. Hell, I think one guy didn't make it and got hit by a truck. Rumor has it that late at night, when there's a full moon, you can still hear him beating off to Chun Li. True story.

Ah, good old Chun Li. She pretty much kick started a trend that continues today. Really hot videogame characters! Yes indeed, Chun Li was pioneer for characters like Lara Croft and her enormo-boobs of doom! Whether it was with her lightening leg action, or the ridiculous move where she flipped upside down and pretended to be a helicopter, Chun Li was always hot while doing it.

Nowadays, she looks pixelated and silly. But back in the day, she was it for nerdy and geeky teens everywhere. While the cool teens were getting laid with real girls, the rest of us had Chun Li.

Next!

Paula Mother Fucking Abdul. Goddamn could she move. The 3'5 little spitfire had a hardcore body that would make any teen go "Straight Up".

Even today, she's not too shabby. Sure, she's fucking crazy and on one of the worst television shows in history, but I'd still tap that. The Head is guy, we're like that.

You see, The Head is what you might call "a leg man". Paula Abdul is a dancer. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to do the math. Plus, who hasn't dreamt of fucking a dwarf?

Next!

Who is she? The Head doesn't really know. She was in a movie called a Chinese Ghost Story. Pretty good movie, even if The Head had to read it. The one thing that stood out was this woman.

Just a really beautiful woman. And not in a slutty way or anything, which was weird
since the Head was still a teen, and slutty was all he knew. No sir, this little fortune cookie was something else entirely. This was marriage material!

Unfortunately, the relationship never really worked. The fact that we never met may have a little to do with it. Still, Joey Wang remains one of the prettiest and just plain most attractive women The Head has ever seen.

Next!

The Head is jumping ahead a little here, but he had to. Avril fucking Lavigne baby! The absolute horror The Head would do to this tiny canuck are illegal in most states. Who's your daddy Avril? That's right, The Head!

Why does The Head love this girl so much? No idea. She must emit some sort of long range pheromone or some such thing. But damnit, woooo!

The Head has always had a bit of a thing for the bad/weird girls. Maybe that's it. Or maybe it's her smoking body, cute as hell face, and the fact that swears like a sailor.

Avril Lavigne folks. She make The Head go "oh oh".

Next!

And now I've lost most of you. You see, back in the mid nineties, there was this Quebecois fille named Manon Rheaume who was trying to be the first female to play in the NHL. She managed to play 1 pre-season game with the Tampa Bay Lightning, but nothing more ever really happened for her. Mostly because as a goalie, I've seen dead goats do better.

Still, the fact that she was fucking hot helped her some. She was a hot chick who played hockey, which just made her hotter. Imagine being able to play a few hours of hockey, and then while still in the dressing room, get a quick B.J. While, I suppose anyone could do that, but your friends may look at you funny when you ask.

Manon captured my young heart, and I had dreams of the two of us meeting, and then having her tie me up with hockey tape, and... Let's just stop there. The Head was young and naive.

What's she up to now? Not a fucking clue. Porn? While finding the pictures for this post The Head couldn't bring himself to care enough to check.

Next!

This is the Martian Queen from the cartoon Duck Dodgers. Why is she hot? She's scantily clad, has a feisty attitude, and even though she's only a drawing, could kick The Head's ass.

The downside is that she doesn't have a mouth. She still manages to talk though... Kind of a nightmare for guys. No mouth but she can still talk...

At any rate, considering the anorexic trend in Hollywood these days, is it any wonder that The Head finds cartoon characters more attractive than the real life ones? Meh.

NEXT!

I assume that most of you are at least familiar with the TV show Buffy the Vampire Slayer. How about Sarah Michelle Gellar? Well, she's ugly. To hell with her.

Willow however, was cute as a button. The shy girl next door type is always a turn on. She was hot without even knowing she was hot. Now that's hot!

Willow grabbed The Head's attention from the first time he ever even saw the show. She was the type of girl you wanted to take to the malt shop and share a soda with, golly gosh!

Willow, also has the infamy of being the least attractive lesbian ever. Yes, at some point in the 4th season of the show, the creator's, in their infinite wisdom, decided that Willow should be a lesbian, and then dress like somebody who shops at the salvation army. Instead of cute little Willow, we had militant lesbian Willow. Then she started having sex with ugly women, and the fantasy was over.

But I'll always have Willow from seasons 1-3. Yeah, that's my girl.

Next!!!

What? Avril Lavigne again?!? Yes folks, she's just that sweet.

Here's a little song dedicated to Avril. Maybe she;ll use it on her next album!

Oh Avril, oh yeah yeah yeah
I want to tap you like a fucking keg
oh yeah yeah yeah

Oh Avril, oh yeah yeah yeah
I want you to handle my third leg
oh yeah yeah yeah

Oh Avril, oh yeah yeah yeah
Despite it all I know you'll take it like a trooper
Oh yeah yeah yeah

Oh Avril, Oh yeah yeah yeah
If the cooch is off limits how about the pooper?
Oh yeah yeah yeah

Not too bad, huh?

Next and last!

Ladies and gentlemen, meet Raven from the cartoon Teen Titans. Yes folks, I seem to have an unhealthy obsession with cartoon characters. The Head admits it.

Raven is a dark little Goth chick who hates the world and everybody. What the fuck's not to love? Skin tight outfit, legs that just keep going, and a certain youthful innocence does magic, and The Head is a geek who wishes he could cast 9th level spells and take out his enemies hit points!

This is The Head's current crush. What does it say about the quality of Hollywood actresses when a drawing is better than them? Lindsay Lohan? Eat a fucking cookie. Hillary Duff? Eat a fucking McDonald's franchise. The Head will stick with his fictional drawings and use the power of imagination.

So if you need The Head, he's going to be playing kissy face in his mind with a character from a children's cartoon. Maybe she'll let me round second! WHoo Hoo!

The Head: Shilling stuff for the Irish since 1977

2005-08-15T23:12:00.000-07:00

Ok kids, here's the deal. Our little buddy Ian is now what you might call a published author. Because we go way back, and because I've been lookin' out for the little guy for all these years, I thought that The Head would help him sell a few copies of his dud... I mean book!

I mean, just check out these glowing reviews!

Not only is this a book, but it has exquisite binding and quite a few pages!
- Stephen King

What can I say? This is quite possibly the best book I never read!
- Kurt Vonnegut

Fuck me, but this was the best fucking books I ever mother fucking read, yo! Fuckin' A.
- Maya Angelou

This book was terrific. Can I have my 5 bucks now?
- The dude who ran over Stephen King a few years ago.

As you can see, a great many literary masterminds firmly support this book. So why don't you buy a copy today? So help me, if you don't I'll hire a hooker to give you herpes!

The Hard Word on Life

Why not buy multiple copies and then give them to Hobos so they can use it for bedding???

Solving the world's problems.

2005-08-13T21:46:00.000-07:00

Greetings everyone. In the news lately, there has been much talk concerning the topic of nuclear weaponry. Specifically, certain countries have been accused of attempting to create nuclear weapons, despite the fact that other countries have already called 'dibs' on them. Seeking to find a solution, The Head has asked the leaders of two of the feuding countries in question to answer some questions, and debate the issues. Ladies and gentlemen, the Prez of the US of A, Dubya, and the Grand Pooba of North... no South... no wait, it's North... I think... Korea, Kimmy Jong.

The Head: We'll start with a few questions. You will have 42 seconds to answer the question, and then your opponent will have the opportunity for rebuttal, assuming he uses the word 'mustache' in his rebuttal. Gentlemen, are you ready?

Dubya: Yee Haw!

Kimmy Jong: Jes.

The Head: Very well then, the first question is directed to Dubya. The position of the United States has been to restrict certain countries from attaining nuclear power. What do you feel gives the United States the right to police other sovereign countries in this manner?

Dubya: That's an excellent question Oprah. The United States has long been the moral thermometer for the rest of the world. If we don't like what you're doing, we go straight up your ass. We have sought to be the shining light on the train of justice that spreads the light into the dark areas that just really need the light. It's as simple as that. If you stop and think about it, I'm a Cowboy.

The Head: Um... ok. Kimmy Jong, your rebuttal?

Kimmy Jong: Why is it that you siwwy amewicans aweways tink dat you know what's best? I am tiwewd of you and your siwwy mustaches!!! I have no intention of bwuilding any bombs. We just want to use nukewear poweh to make our puppies more comfotable.

The Head: What?!? Anyway... The next question is for you Kimmy Jong. Your country has a history of aggresion, human rights abuse, and just being kinda of wacky. What guarantees can you offer the rest of the world that pursuing nuclear power will be used for purely peaceful ends?

Kimmy Jong: Gawantees? Gawantess? Nobody asks me for... I mean... North Kowea has wong been misundestood. We are not bad guys, we wike many tings dat you wike. We are not so diffewent fwom you. Just because we kill wots of people you tink we are bad guys. We are no diffwent than your hero Wambo. We are just misunderstood. The world need not wowwy about us. At weast we don't invade other countries whenever we feel wike it.

The Head: Mr Prez, your rebuttal?

Dubya: Listen, it's no secret that Mary Cheney is a Lesbian, and I really wish my opponent would stop bringing that up!

The Head: Um, sir, that was a debate you had many moths ago, this is the debate with the head of North Korea.

Dubya: Huh? Oh yeah. Anyway, my position is the same as always, I, unlike my opponent, do not flip flop!

The Head: For the love of... This is the debate about North Korea attempting to acquire nuclear fussion!

Dubya: Oh, sorry. Anyway, what I will say is this. The American people are united in a unity that is so strongiferous, that nothing can shatter the unifying unity that we share while being so amazingly united, and enjoying good old fashioned American mustaches. As a one, we have all condemned the heinous acts of North Korea, and we will not rest until the entire population of North Korea is secure, safe, and enjoying their stay at our Guntanamo luxury resort.

The Head: But, that had nothing to do with... That's a prison camp with horrible condi... Oh nevermind... Final question. This is for you Dubya, pwease, I mean please try and pay attention. If North Korea does not meet with the demands of the United States, are you willing to use military force? Does the prospect of facing another Iraq frighten you?

Dubya: Are we willing to use military force? That depends. First we have to go through every other possible possibility. Our current foreign policy is to initiate a dialogue, and through that dialogue to convince the other nation of our viewpoint under the threat of violent bombing. If that doesn't work, well plan B is to start the violent bombing. As for worrying about it turning into another Iraq, that just isn't a concern. North Korea doesn't have any oil, why would we even go in there after we've wiped them out?

The Head: Touche. Ok Kimmy, your rebuttal to that?

Kimmy Jong: We are not afwaid, we ave Awec Bawdwin on our side!

The Head: I believe that was in fact a movie. Team America. Hell, my imaginary conversation with you right now is based off the puppet Kim Jong Il from that movie since I have no idea whatsover how you talk or think in real life.

Kimmy Jong: Reawy? No Awec Bawdwin?

The Head: Fraid not.

Kimmy Jong: Oh we so fucked. Maybe if a gwow a mustache they won't wecognize me.

The Head: I'm sure it will... *cough* Saddam Hussein *cough*. Anyway, this entire thing isn't turning out as funny as I thought it would, so let's just wrap it up with your closing statements. Dubya, why don't you go first.

Dubya: Here it is, in simple english. The terrorists who did the 911 bombing were non causasian from very far away. Kim Jong Il is a non caucasian from very far away. Therefore, the only logical conclusion we can draw is that Kin Jong Il played a large part in the 911 tragedy. It's scienticious.

The Head: I guess that makes sense... I think... Kimmy, your turn.

Kimmy Jong: Here it is, in simple Korean. 빨다 제 음경.

The Head: What the hell does that mean?

Kimmy Jong: Roughwy Twanswated (since it turns out that the Head does not actually speak Korean... who knew?) it means... SUCK MY COCK!

The Head tackles a literary classic.

2005-08-04T21:51:00.000-07:00

Good evening gentle readers, it is I, your friend and well wisher, The Head. The Head has become concerned that perhaps his caring readers have gotten the impression that The Head is about nothing more than 'dick and fart' jokes. Nothing could be further from the truth. The Head is a classically trained actor who has appeared in many different renditions of classic and neo-classic contemporary productions.

So, in an attempt to add a drop of culture and intellect to the blogging world, The Head is going to offer a brief interpretation of a few of his favorite pieces. Please my friends, relax, and enjoy what The Head likes to call, a Head Classic.

---

Up first is an old favorite of The Head's that comes from the early Greek period of drama. It is known simply as, Oedipus Rex.

Oedipus: Well dudes, looks like I killed the old king. I guess that makes me the new king! Wooo!

Chief Law Reasearchy Guy: Um, not to be a downer or anything, but I can't find anything in the scrolls to suggest that killing the king makes you-

Oedipus introduces the Chief Law Reasearchy Guy to the point of his sword.

Oedipus: Anyone else wanna rain on my parade?

Sheepish looks. One man backs out of the room slowly, while whistling softly.

Kinda Hot Older Women Who Is The Queen: You have slain my husband and taken his crown. If you want to win the hearts of the people, you should take me as your wife.

Oedipus: Well baby, I usually like my pucha a little younger, Whispers to the audience "Like 20 years younger", but I guess a lay's a lay.

Several months pass. The Kinda Hot Older Woman Who Is The Queen and Oedipus are taking a breather after having explored one another in ways most carnal, foul, and illegal in many middle eastern nations.

The Kinda Hot Older Woman Who Is The Queen: Oedipus, you know what's funny? I completely forgot to mention that I had a son. Even odder is that his name was Oedipus, he is your age and shares your birthday. He was taken from us just after his birth. Even wierder is that we had an artist do a composite drawing at what he's look like at the very age you are now, and the two of you are identical. Small world, huh?

Oedipus: Mommy?

Oedipus runs from the room screaming, and tearing out his own eyes from sheer disgust. You know... cuz he did his mom. In the process, he knocks over a porter carrying a pitcher of water.

Porter: MOTHER FUCKER!

The Kinda Hot Older Woman Who Is The Queen And Turns Out to BE Oedipus's Mommy: Yeah, pretty much.

---

Wasn't that a wonderful change of pace? The ancient greeks had a much different sense of things than the modern man does, and you can tell that they understood the novel vague of pure artistic expression with so much ironical drama and cacophonous ennuit.

Up next is a classic I'm sure everyone out there knows, Romeo & Juliet.

Juliet: Romeo, oh Romeo, where for art thou Romeo?

Romeo: I'm right here bitch! Fuck! Get your fucking eyes checked or something.

---

Could you not feel the emotion in that scene? Feel the urgency? Juliet is desperate to find her true love. Her urgency is felt straight to the bone! But alas, Romeo while easily found visually, shows that he is an emotional wreck who struggles to commit due to their families intense rivalry and hatred.

Our last piece of the day is a more modern take on the dramatic stylings. It is wonderful post modern piece about the inequality of man and his ability to trivialize his very being. Ladies and gentlemen, Pulp Fiction.

Setting: In a car, two men in suits are having a pleasant conversation as they get to know one another. One is an African American male with ridiculous hair. The other is the guy from Grease.

Jules: So I hear you just got back from France. What's it like over there compared to here?

Vincent: It's funny, it's the little things that are really different.

Worship Scientology.

Jules: Really? Like what?

Vincent: For example, at McDonald's they don't call a quarter pounder with cheese, a quarter pounder with cheese.

Look Who's Talking was funny. Remember that movie? You liked it, right?

Jules: Well what to do they call it then, cracker?

Vincent: A royale with cheese.

I fucked Kirstey Alley on the set of that movie, but then she got fat and shit so I try and forget that.

Jules: A royale with cheese? You fucking honky's man. You're so damn messed up. A royale with cheese? Why not just call it "A Burger Only Whitey Will Eat." Fuck I hope this movie does well. The only other script my agent has is a buddy comedy with me and Eugene Levy. I'll never be that desperate! Oh yeah, the script... So what do they call a Whopper in France?

Vinvent: I dunno man, I never went to Burger King.

The funny part is that Tarantino is paying me with coupons for a free Whopper when I buy one at the regular price... Barbarino?

---

Did you feel it? Did you feel the homo erotic tension between the scary black man and the wimpy white guy? The scene evokes a plethora of imagery, each delictable moment makes one quiver in anticipation of the next.

At any rate, The Head hopes that you've enjoyed the small amount of culture that he tried to put into your lives, and feel enrichened by the experience. Until next time, this has been The Head, for Head Classics.

Pucha!

A day in the life of The Head

2005-08-02T20:56:00.000-07:00

Alright all you crazy kids out there in internet land, The Head is gonna shoot it to ya straight, ya dig?

Today, The Head went to what is commonly referred to as a "Job Interview". While that name is somewhat accurate, The Head does not feel that it truly describes the process. If The Head had his way, it would be renamed to something along the lines of...

I WILL NOW BULLSHIT ABOUT MYSELF, USE AS MANY BUZZ WORDS AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE, AND THEN PRETEND TO KNOW/CARE ABOUT WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU JUST SPENT THE LAST 20 MINUTES DESCRIBING TO ME WHILE I FANTASIZED ABOUT THE CHICKS FROM SATURDAY MORNING CARTOONS.

Not that I'm bitter or anything...

But seriously, is there even a point to a job interview? Everyone bullshits and pretends that their absolutely perfect for the job. Unless you happen to be a braindead retarded guy from the jungle, you know not to start an interview like:

HR Person: "So what do you think you could offer us here at Big Ass Corp.?"

Brain Dead Jungle Dude: "Well, I usually solve the cases before the Scooby Gang did, and without their hair brained schemes. Oh, and my mommy said I'd excel at anything I put my mind too. Oh, and I took a karate lesson a few years back, so you'd all be cool if ninjas ever attacked the office or anything. Say, you look familiar... Didn't I dump you senior year of high school and tell everyone that you had both male and female genitalia?"

---

Really, what point does it serve to interview people anymore. Why don't they just have an open audition, where the person who has the best talent gets the job?

HR Person: Well, thanks everyone for coming out today, you were all super, you really were. But I'm afraid that there's only position and Billy's ability to balance cubicles on his nose was clearly the best."

Some Guy: But I have a Master's from Harvard!

HR Person: True, but your comedic monologue was just too weak. Security!"

---

But really kids, how irritating is it to have to spew the same old bullshit at each interview? Buzz words like "Team player", "goal oriented" and "strong work ethic" just suck the life out of the entire process.

If The Head hadn't been such a damn chicken shit, The Head would have been honest. Unfortunately, The Head played the game and danced the dance. Still, some part of The Head wishes he had just been honest and said what he felt...

HR Person: So Mr. Head, why don't you describe your previous employment for me?"

The Head: I had a bunch of jobs I fucking hated. I did a lot of shit I didn't want to do. I didn't get paid anywhere near enough, and I stole a bunch of office supplies. Oh, and if nobody was around and the phone rang, I'd either pretend it was a pizzeria or that I didn't speak English."

HR Person: I see. What would your primary goals be if we brought you on board our team?

The Head: To do as little work as possible, and take all the credit for the projects done by the wussier employees. Oh, and I'd like to bone that hot receptionist I saw on the way. More than likely Doggy Style. Woof."

HR Person: Very good, very good. Mr. Head, what would you identify as being your biggest strengths?"

The Head: Well, Larry, I can call you Larry right? What?!? I don't care if your name is Doug, shut up bitch! As I was saying LARRY, I'd have to say that my biggest strength is my compassion and caring, my love for people. Hey, is that a picture of your daughter? Yeah, I'd love her good! Relax Larry, I'm just kidding. There wouldn't be any actual love involved."

HR Person: What about your biggest weakness?"

The Head: Oh, that one's easy. Da Bitchez. Man, I just can't get enough of dem dirty hoes. I guarantee that if I'm here a week, I'll have given every slut in dis office a ride on space mountain, if ya know what I mean! Fo Shizzle!"

HR Person: Indeed. So tell me Mr. Head, what do you think that you can offer us here that nobody else can?"

The Head: That's an excellent question. The answer is simple. My George Foreman Grill. With that bad boy, I can fry up a dozen burgers in just under 13 seconds. If I bring in the right attachment, I can even make a nice rack of cute baby seal. Mmm mmm. Oh, and reefer. Lots of reefer."

HR Guy: Well Mr. Head, that's all the questions I have for the time being. We'll be in touch."

The Head: Oh, I'm not leaving until we've slow danced to 'Love Lift Us Up Where We Belong.' I'll lead, Larry. Just hold me tight."

---

Unfortunately, companies do not appreciate true honesty. They just want the same bullshit answers regurgitate time and again.

Do The Head a little favor. The next time you have a job interview, call the HR guy Larry at least once. If his name just happens to be Larry... well... nevermind then, it just ain't funny. Kick him in the nuts or something I guess.

The Head gets freaky with some fine ladies.

2005-08-02T20:53:00.000-07:00

All about the Wedding

2005-07-18T11:35:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone. The Head knows that he's been MIA for awhile, and the Head is sorry. In his defence, the Head was busy with wedding related things. Oh, and then he was just plain lazy.

So anyway, here are a few shots from the wedding. Now, the plan was for those old cranky muppets Statler and Waldorf to provide humourous commentary. However, the Head could only affor one of them, so we have commentary from the Head and Waldorf!!! YAY!!!

The Head on his wedding day.

2005-07-13T09:11:00.000-07:00

The Head looking awesome while he's waiting to be hitched.

The Head is a bad, bad man.

2005-06-26T21:56:00.000-07:00

Here's a little something ripped from T-Bone's blog (can I call you T-Bone?).

Normally you bold the items you've done, and put an asterisk next to the ones you wish you had done. However, because The Head is a pimp ass playah yo, he's done it all. Since that's the case, I'll just give a brief description of the event.

Without further ado...

I have had sex while wearing a blindfold.

While not technically a blindfold, when you tie a ferret around your head it has a similar effect.

I have blindfolded someone else during sex.

I just couldn't risk Mr. Wonder IDing me.

I have had sex while watching porn.

Actually, I've never done this. What I have done is have sex while filming porn. Wait... that's a pretty redundant statement...

I have had sex while surfing porn on the Internet.

It was T-Bone's blog, and that's as close to porn as you can get.

I sleep better after sex.

Technically true since I am so damn wild and uncaged during the carnal deed that I usually bang my head on something. Luckilly I can keep going even while unconcious.

There are some nights I cannot sleep without sex or masturbating.

Does a night without one or the other exist?

The bed is NOT my most favorite place to have sex.

The place I'm currently having sex in is my favorite.

I am turned on knowing someone is watching me masturbate.

I never thought about it really, but I guess that does explain those really uncomfortable looks people give me on the bus.

I have masturbated for someone over a web cam.

Why that chick wanted me to do that on top of her web cam I'll never know.

I have had sex over a web cam.

Getting the wires and pulleys into place was an absolute biatch.

I will have sex with someone I just met if they turn me on.

Well I... sorry, the pizza delivery is here. Whoah, cute chick. I'll be back in 3 hours. (When you're a giant disembodied Head, you pick up certain... skillz)

I have been tied up during sex.

Wonder Woman. Golden Lasso. Any questions?

I have had sex with someone who was tied up.

Ha ha, who has the lasso now?

I have dripped wax onto a lover's body.

Mrs Doesitgood, the inflatable doll loved every second of it.

I have had a lover drip wax onto my body.

I called it sensuous, Miss Jolie called it self defence.

I have a foot fetish.

When you're nothing but a huge Head, you have an everything fetish. Well... except heads really.

I have a leather fetish.

Not leather really, just particularly attractive cows.

I have a tickle fetish.

When you try to hook up with like minded people, make sure to spell check. Where she wanted to put that pickle made me cringe.

I like being choked during sex.

I don't really like being choked, it just seems to happen a lot since I like to wear scarf while doing it.

I have had sex in a burning building.

While this is trechnically true, it was sheer friction that started the fire.

I have erotic art on display somewhere in my residence.

Does my mounted picture of Janet's Boob exposure count?

I enjoy nudie magazines.

Used to. Now I just look at T-Bone's blog.

Erotic toys are a regular part of my budget.

Not actually true since I steal the fuckers.

I think PLAYBOY is tame, maybe even boring.

Fucked up Euro German Nasty Porn. Nuff said.

I have clicked on porn links in my email.

Hell, I try and make porn links in my alphabet soup.

I know the difference between girl/girl and lesbian sex in porn.

Know the difference? Hell, I overdub the videos with my very own play by play.

I have watched more than one gay/lesbian porn video.

In my defence, I didn't know it was gay porn. Frnch Artistic movies and Gay Porn are very similar.

Much of what I know about sex comes from porn.

There's a reason why my invisible friend was named Ron Jeremy.

Interracial sex turns me on.

Duh. I'm a white male. We are categorized as being the lamest, least funky, and most rythmless creature on the face of the earth. Women of other races make us slightly cooler by association.

I think we should do more to understand the cultures of sex.

Yeah, yeah.... Do it, do it a lot!

I would participate in sex research given the opportunity.

They'd never let me. Doctor Guy:"Okay Mr. Head, are you prepared for your controlled study?"

The Head: "Who is that person in the picture on your desk?"

Doctor Guy: "Why that's my lovely daughter. She just turned 18 yesterday."

The Head: "Dibs."

My current lover does not sufficiently meet my sexual needs.

{Jokes are funny and all, but I value my mother fucking life)

I currently have a "crush" on someone of the same sex.

I just can't help it. Higgins, from Magnum P.I. just really makes me excited.

I have had sex at my place of employment.

Since I'm a Condom Tester, it's kinda hard not to.

I am often disappointed in my sexual relationships.

My one dissapointment was with myself. No dinner, no movie, just trying to get myself started without any foreplay? I don't think so.

Some people might describe me as a nymphomaniac.

Some people also call me a Space Cowboy.

I am difficult to live with if I'm not having sex on a regular basis.

I'm just plain difficult to live with. We Ogres are a mean bunch.

I sleep better with someone snuggled up next to me.

Only when it's Patrick Stewart, and he says "Make it so" in his sleep.

I have had sex under water.

Never turn your back on Aquaman. Lesson learned.

I have had sex in the snow.

I'm Canadian. I have sex with the snow.

I have to have music playing while having sex.

For some reason it makes people uncomfortable when I play AC/DC's "The Jack"

I have had more than ten orgasms in one night.

Hey, it's a fuckin good shot.

I have flashed strangers.

Yeah, but I was a little peeved when they wrote 4.0, 5.5 and 6.7 on their score cards.

I have given sex as a gift.

This is what happens when you get the really hot chick in the office Secret Santa.

I have set-up a three-way for my lover.

Piece of advice. Saying "Baby, don't worry. I'll be thinking of you while I'm plowing her", does not make the situation better.

I stopped during this list to have sex.

Any typos you find are because I could only see the screen every 2 seconds or so.

Introducing: FAT BELLIED FRIDAY!!!

2005-06-23T23:35:00.000-07:00

The polkadots slim down my bitch tits!

After killing 3 real bulls, this was the best anyone would let Andy do.

Ok guys, don't lie. You'd tap that.

If you have any pics you'd like to contribute to FAT BELLIED FRIDAY, please send them to: fatbelliedfriday@gmail.com

Never mock the life of a rodent. They know shit...

2005-06-23T23:33:00.000-07:00

I never really understood the Indian Chief. He seemed like the odd one out.

2005-06-23T19:05:00.000-07:00

The original cast of Reservoir Dogs.

2005-06-20T23:07:00.000-07:00

Look at all 'em hotties! The Head is trying to buy Mel on E-bay.

2005-06-20T16:27:00.000-07:00

Body is a 10. Handling the face is just a flick of the lightswitch away.

2005-06-14T21:29:00.000-07:00

Yes folks, even the uber hottties of the world, love Head

2005-06-14T21:16:00.000-07:00

You know I have a bachelor party coming up... Just sayin'.

Ok ok I'll take you to me pot o' gold, dinna crush me!

2005-06-10T06:51:00.000-07:00

Who doesn't like looking for Head?

2005-06-07T23:56:00.000-07:00

Because we always get confused for one another:

2005-06-07T23:48:00.000-07:00

Gimme some red krypto and I'll rock your world baby!

2005-06-05T20:45:00.000-07:00

New meaning to the term: "Rocket Man".

2005-06-05T20:34:00.000-07:00

A quick installment of... "ASK THE HEAD!"

2005-06-05T14:10:00.000-07:00

Ok kids, you begged for it, so once again, it's time to, ASK THE HEAD!

If you have a question that only a giant disembodied Head could possibly answer, email them to askthehead@gmail.com.

Up first:

Dear Head,

When is sucking up not sucking up?

Yours sincerely,
M

Dear M,

Excellent question! The answer of course is when you have your mate flat on his back and you handle it in a sort of downward motion. This would of course be known as "Sucking Down", which is of course a funky variant of the "Sucking Up" technique you seemed so keen on.

Sincerely, The Head.

Up next...

Dear Head

dude, are you real?

Sincerely,

*name withheld*

Dear person without a name,

Am I real? Do you mean in a metaphysical sense? Are any of us therefore "real"? What is "real"? Are we all merely figments of our own reality, and therefore capable of willing ourselves into an endless abyss of nothingness because of said lack of relity?

So to answer the real question I've read between the lines... No, you shouldn't fondle a goat.

Sincerely,

The Head

Ok kids, time for one more.

Dear Head,

My husband is bored of our sex life. How can I spice things up?

Sincerely,

Wendy in Wala Wala.

Dear Wendy,

The answer is simple. GIVE HIM HEAD!

Ok everybody, that's all the time for today. Until next time, keep sending me panties. (Except for that one sick and twisted dude out there. He can stop.)

The Head's weekly poker game is something like this.

2005-06-05T13:58:00.000-07:00

What's the best nation? Donation!

2005-06-05T13:52:00.000-07:00

Rosco!!!

2005-06-05T13:48:00.000-07:00

What do guys want to do and yet are terrified to have done to them?

2005-06-05T13:46:00.000-07:00

Yeah... You can eat that.

2005-05-28T23:42:00.000-07:00

Show some love for those special family members who may have smelled a little funky, but are missed every day. Show some also for the ones that bless your family today.

Kewpie, Blue and Scruffy, tearin' it up in doggie heaven. Always loved, never forgotten.

Cartoon hotties, rocketing boys into puberty since 1985.

2005-05-28T00:31:00.000-07:00

So happy together...

2005-05-28T00:29:00.000-07:00

Who doesn't love Head?

2005-05-28T00:27:00.000-07:00

Ever fuck a fat man in an overcoat?

2005-05-28T00:24:00.000-07:00

What do you mean they ain't disposable?

2005-05-24T23:53:00.000-07:00

Everyone was kung-fu fighting....

2005-05-24T23:35:00.000-07:00

Who never dreamed of "riding the batpole"?

2005-05-24T22:33:00.000-07:00

Once again... Ask The Head!

2005-05-22T14:02:00.000-07:00

Ok kids, once again, The Head has deemed you all worthy of his sagely advice. Advice from a head this big must be good so heed it!

If you want to ask the omnipotent Head a question, send them to askthehead@gmail.com

Ok, we'll start with this one. It's from G. Squeezer. No wait, that's too obvious, let's call him Geezer S. Yeah, that should do...

will posting pictures of starwars figurines in gay,sexually titilating positions,on my blog.make me look like a total gaylord?if so,is there a way around it,whilst continuing to post said pics?
geezer...

This is an excellent question. Naturally the answer is Yes, this does make you look like a complete gaylord. However, there are a few caveats attached to this:

1) Anything involving Chewbacca is more in the realm of sick furry depravity. It's also kinda similar to forced prison sex, since who the hell says no to an angry Wookie?

2) Any scene involving the figurines from the current Star Wars movies as opposed to the old classic ones from the eighties is automatically gay. If the lightsaber does not get inserted provocatively into Luke's arm, it sucks.

3) If you have a scene that involves Lando Calrissian, it is automatically as hetero as it gets. Lando is just so bad ass, and even The Head, the amazingly hetero creature that he is, would jump at the chance for a mustache ride from Lando Calrissian.

Sincerely,
The Head

Anyway, next question...

Dear Head,

Why didn't we have a nice Christmas dinner this year? And why does that mean old Mr Scrooge make my daddy work on Christmas Eve? Why do my mommy and daddy always look so sad all the time?

Sincerely,
Tiny Tim.

Dear Tiny Tim,

It's because you touch yourself.

Sincerely,

The Head

Ok, last question...

Dear The Head,

Who would win in a fight: Ben Affleck or Matt Damon?

Sincerely,
Curious in Chicago?

Dear Curious,

Well, neither seems to have any immediate advantage. They are so damn similar that The HEad can't tell them apart, refering to them as a collective unit known only as Maffleck. Still, an answer is needed...

The Head's best guest is that they are so similar that they would completely destroy one another in a fight, and neither would survive. So I guess the winner would be anybody who likes good movies.

Sincerely,
The Head

That is all the time that The Head has (that's not really true, The Head has more time, he's just bored), so until next time, this has been this time.

P.S. Hot chicks, call me!

Sometimes The Head likes to feel pretty.

2005-05-21T20:52:00.000-07:00

Even when he was young, The Head was cute as hell.

2005-05-21T20:48:00.000-07:00

Kiss me Ernie, you goofy little bastard! Kiss me!

2005-05-18T20:31:00.000-07:00

The Head would have made Neo his bitch!

2005-05-17T12:52:00.000-07:00

A very special edition of "Ask The Head"

2005-05-15T17:15:00.000-07:00

Good day folks! Today, The Head has a very special edition of Ask The Head. Normally, The Head wouldn't jump on a topic anywhere near this quickly, but there is a certain mystique involved. As always, you can send your very own questions to The Head by emailing them to askthehead@gmail.com.

Anyway, on to the show. Since all three questions are related to one another, The Head will post them all and respond to them afterwards.

Dear Head,

I'm in love with an engaged woman. Is there any chance I can have her to myself? She's getting married on my birthday, to a fabulous man. I know she loves me, but I don't know if we can be together. Any advice?

Lovesick in California

---

Dear Head,

I'm in love with a married woman. I'm supposed to get married soon though - to a man! Whatever should I do? I am pretty sure this woman shares my love, but we don't want to upset all the men in our lives! Please advise!

Confused Canadian

---

Dear Head (why does that sound so dirty??),

I am in love with a married woman and a soon-to-be-married woman. I am young(ish) and single. They can both have me, but they only seem to want each other. I'm so sad, I am forced to drown my sorrow in massive amounts of alcohol. And I may have to invade Canada. Any suggestions?

Lonely in Long Beach

Well, well, well... We certainly have a dilly of a pickle of a jam here, don't we? Ordinarily, The Head's solution would be a knife fight, possibly with Robert Goulet as the special guest referee. However, I find this to be a special case, so The Head has decided to change his usual advice.

The Head understands that this is a bit of a taboo area. The Head also understands that circumstances aren't always ideal. That being said, The Head honestly and firmly believes that you three should give in to your carnal desires. Really, it is the only solution that The Head can see. In The Head's humble opinion there is nothing more beautiful than love in it's most pure of form. Wait... no there is possibly one thing more beautiful. That would be "Hot Three Way Chick on Chick on Chick Action!!!"

So, The Head's solution is that you three get together and profess your undying love for one another. Begining of July sounds like a good time. Then maybe have a slumber party where you brush each other's hair, practice kissing (so you'll know how to when a boy tries, of course) and then snuggle... In a small pool of baby oil while wearing thin white t-shirts.

Since the three of you are likely to be shy and need support, naturally The Head will be there for you. The Head is all about strong emotional support (and ridiculously hot chicks) so he would be honoured to be present for this huge occasion. Normally, The Head would have a very "hands on" approach to this sort of thing, but since he is only a giant disembodied head, he would have to be "inventive".

In conclusion ladies... This would beat the ever loving shit out of the world's best bachelor party!!! LET'S GET READY TO RUUUUMBLE!!!

The Head answers your questions.

2005-05-13T19:14:00.000-07:00

Welcome to the first installment of "Ask The Head". The Head will attempt to help you with your problems, and perhaps impart upon you some of the wisdom that comes from being a giant disembodied head! To ask The Head your very own questions, you can email him at askthehead@gmail.com.

Anyway, on to the questions.

Dear The Head

I recently found out that my wife has been sleeping with the mailman! I've been so distraught because she is the love of my life, the mother of my children and I don't want to lose her. She doesn't know that I know, and I'm afraid that she'll leave me if I push her on the issue. What should I do?

Sincerely,

Scared in Seattle

Dear Scared in Seattle

What are you, a pussy? Kick the mailman's ass, go watch a Steven Seagal movie, fuck your wife the way she should have been fucked, and grow a set... Wuss.

Sincerely,

The Head

Dear The Head

Lately, I've found myself unable to maintain an erection when I am being intimate with my wife. I've tried exercises and pills, but nothing seems to work. Please help me save my love life!

Sincerely,

Phlacid in Philly

Dear Limpy,

Get a hotter wife.

Sincerely,

The Head

Ok, we have time for one more.

Deer The Head,

I hav a pozition of powar. I haf too make rely big decich... desici...choices every day, and thay affect a lot ov peeple. I gots the job from mi daddy. Help mi! Im afrayd that Ill mess it all up!!@!#!

Sinsy,

Woried in Washyngton

Dear Worried,

For the last time W, stop asking for my help! For christ's sake I'm a giant disembodied head, not a miracle worker! The last time you asked for my advice, I happened to mention that I could go for some falafel, so naturally you invaded Iraq... I'll give you one small piece of advice. STOP BEING EVIL!

Sincerely,

The Head

Until next time, this has been The Head, keeping it real, yo. Foshizzle!

I sound like Johnny Bravo!

2005-05-12T21:11:00.000-07:00

Who is your daddy, and what does he do?

2005-05-12T20:52:00.000-07:00

How you doin'?

2005-05-12T20:35:00.000-07:00

Being gay heroes in the future sure is fun!

2005-05-12T20:16:00.000-07:00

Oi! Oi! Oi!

2005-05-12T20:15:00.000-07:00

Billy Dee Williams should have been Jules in Pulp Fiction.

2005-05-12T20:14:00.000-07:00

Paging Dr. Moreau, we may have made a booboo...

2005-05-12T20:13:00.000-07:00

Holy shit... Titties!!!

2005-05-12T20:10:00.000-07:00

I'll take "What the Fuck?!?" for a thousand Alex.

2005-05-12T17:50:00.000-07:00