Drive By Post

Hey kids. Just wanted to let everyone know that The Head is sorry he's a bad little fuck and not posting, but he expects that will change, as The Head is no longer on the verge of collapse. The Head is finally feeling Headier, and wants to start putting more innane shit on this sorry sack of a blog. With that in mind, here's a little something that isn't really funny, but should at least give you all a glimpse at the inner psyche of the mysterious being known only as, The Head.

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The Head and Porn!!!

Here I will ask myself a series of questions related to Porn, and then answer them, hoping that this will generate a few low brow laughs, and possibly even lead to you bitches feeling even more disgust towards me. Here we go.

Do you like Porn?

Yes and no. It's kinda complicated. Porn to me, is almost like a painting. It has both a contect and a subcontext. Unless you examine all the layers and search for the hidden meaning, you will be left feeling unsatisfied. To sum up, Da Head likes da tig ol' bitties!

Do you rent or buy "porno films"?

Hi there idiot. Welcome to the internet. A device so fucking wonderful, that if you spend a few hours you can eventually find a 30 second clip of bad porn that plays in a 3 inch box on your monitor, opens up 63 pop ups, and installs all sorts of spyware on your computer! If you play that clip over and over again, it eventually becomes hot enough to wank to! Rent or buy porn? Welcome to the digital age, asshole.

Do you like girl on girl porn?

Yes. Yes I do.

Why?

Many reasons really. 1) There ain't no 47 inch peckers to make me feel innadequate. 2) I don't have to be frightened that Ron Jeremy's hairy ass might show up. 3) The girls... like... do stuff with each other. 4) Twice the boobies for your dollar!

What about gay porn? Have you ever seen man on man porn?

The Head isn't afraid to admit that he has. He's secure in himself. What? What do you mean that wasn't gay porn? What was it then? Britney Spears' Sex Tape? What the... You sure? But she had a... And she put it in his... And they... Wow.

Have you seen the PAris Hilton Sex Tape?

The Head has seen some of it. He didn't feel the need to watch more of it, since when Paris is naked, she kind of looks like a 13 year old boy, and the entire thing made The Head feel vaguely uncomfortable. Also, given her lack of reaction... Hotdog... Hallway. Nuff said.

What about the Pamela Anderson/Tommy Lee tape?

Yeah... It can be summed up like this: Not fucking, not fucking, not fucking, not fucking, not fucking, HOLY SHIT LOOK AT THE SIZE OF HIS WANG, not fucking, not fucking, not fucking, over.

Have you and your friends ever watched porn together?

Sadly yes. I think this is a rite that every young man goes through. Sitting there, rather uncomfortably, trying to watch porn while making sure that both hands are visible to all your friends at all times. Unfortunately, every group of friends has that one guy who "goes to the bathroom" every five minutes.

Have you ever watched porn with a significant other?

Oh fuck... The only one that the Head can remember is this one from like 1981, called The Canterbury Tales or something really similar. Want to know what The Head remembers? The biggest, thickest, fullest bushes in recorded history. This shit started at the chicks belly button, and went down mid thingh. It kinda looked like Dom Deluise. Then, the guy was this hairy neanderthal looking dude, and then unmercifully kept showing close ups of his bung hole while he did his atomic thrusts.
Fuuuuuuck.

Do you like the "money shot"?

This is a pet peeve. Why the fuck do I want to see another man fling his gak? Number one, that just ain't pretty. Number two, what are these guys, Super Soakers?

- "Time for the cum shot Eduardo!"

- "Aiiieee ieeee!"

- "Ok everyone, go fix yourself a coffe, this could take awhile."

- "Hey, I think he just killed that pigeon."

What the fuck is the point of a camera zeroing in on this? Why can't the money shot just be implied?

- "Oh baby, I'm gonna burst my rod of lordly might!"

- "Oh Johnny!"

Fade to black

- "Wow, that was swell. I've never seen an eruption that big before, have you?"

- "No."

Eh? Isn't that just a lot more pleasant?

One last question. Would you ever consider being in porn yourself?

This is a complicated question. It depends on a few factors really.

1) The money has to be right.

2) It has to be tastefully done with a good script and a strong story.

3) It has to be a clean and safe working environment.

4) Avril Lavigne's career has to gave tanked to such a degree that porn is the only avenue she has left.

Like I said, a complicated question.

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Is it just me or was this post just plain disgusting and not particularly funny? Ah fuck, they can't all be gold.