Shedding light on the mystery that is The Head.

Hey kids, sorry about the long delay between posts. The Head has been dealing with a major case of writer's block, a lack of ideas, and general laziness when it comes to this blog. The fact that this post is the best I could come up with after a month away, should prove this to you.

This post is designed to shed some light as to who The Head is, and from whence he came. The topic at hand is... Celebrity Crushes.

Admit it, we've all had em. Celebrities are hot, they're in our face, and let's be honest, we want to fuck the absolute ever loving shit out of them. The Head will list some of his own Celebrity Crushes he's had over the years. The Head will attempt to put them in some sort of chronological order, but he makes no promises as a life of heavy drinking, hard core drug use, and 2 labotomies has left his memory somewhat unreliable. In other words, he won't try too fucking hard.

The Head also challenges other bloggers to get on the bandwagon, and tell the world of their celebrity crushes! Remember bitches, sharing is caring!

With nothing else for The Head to dribble on about... here we go.



This is Blair from the eighties sitcom, The Facts of Life. The Head has no earthly why he wanted to tap this. The only thing he can figure is that she is blond, and when The Head was naught but a wee wittle Head, the fucking media used it's propaganda to brain wash The Head. I mean clearly, she is not hot. Blair was a rich snob of a bitch, and everyone should hate her. Go on. Hate her!

However, it may also have been that she was simply the prettiest by default. Jo was obviously a hardcore feminist lesbian. Let's just skip the fat one. And while The Head considers himself an open minded and non racially motivated Head nowadays, back in his youth, the media simply did not portray very many racially mixed couples. Therefore, The Head simply did not even consider Tutti. The fact that she's ugly also probably cemented this though.

At any rate, The Head does not know what he was thinking.

NEXT!



Recognize this girl? I certainly didn't. However, back in the... what, late eighties, early nineties, there was a show called Just the Ten of Us. It was the spin off of some equally forgettable show.

This chicky, who's name is Jamie Luner if it matters, was this hot ass red head on the show. The essential premise of the show was that this ugly fat dude had really hot daughters. Yeah, sounds like a winner, huh? That's about the extent of the show which lasted somewhere in the are of 13 minutes.

At any rate, The Head was a young Head, just getting started with the puberty. When this fine little tart was on screen, The Heads teeny boy pecker would come alive. All of sudden, The Head had to abandon his ever so comfy jogging pants, and move on to a sturdier material. (Side Note: How many of you went to high school with some dude who simply never gave in and always wore jogging pants? Everytime the teacher would call him to the board or something he'd be sporting this raging hard on for the world to see. We had one at our school, named Leon. The low point of his life must have been when giving a presentation with his pole pointing north, some guy successfully lobbed an elastic band over it).

So, Jamie Luner. Helped me into puberty. Now... she looks like shit. Next!



There I was, just a young teen in an arcade. A new game came out. Street Fighter II. Me and my friends play. It's a great deal of fun! Suddenly we realize that there's a chick in the game. So we try her out. We all stare dumbfounded at this animated woman. After about five minutes, we collectively look down towards our crotches, look at one another, excuse ourselves and rush home. Hell, I think one guy didn't make it and got hit by a truck. Rumor has it that late at night, when there's a full moon, you can still hear him beating off to Chun Li. True story.

Ah, good old Chun Li. She pretty much kick started a trend that continues today. Really hot videogame characters! Yes indeed, Chun Li was pioneer for characters like Lara Croft and her enormo-boobs of doom! Whether it was with her lightening leg action, or the ridiculous move where she flipped upside down and pretended to be a helicopter, Chun Li was always hot while doing it.

Nowadays, she looks pixelated and silly. But back in the day, she was it for nerdy and geeky teens everywhere. While the cool teens were getting laid with real girls, the rest of us had Chun Li.

Next!



Paula Mother Fucking Abdul. Goddamn could she move. The 3'5 little spitfire had a hardcore body that would make any teen go "Straight Up".

Even today, she's not too shabby. Sure, she's fucking crazy and on one of the worst television shows in history, but I'd still tap that. The Head is guy, we're like that.

You see, The Head is what you might call "a leg man". Paula Abdul is a dancer. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to do the math. Plus, who hasn't dreamt of fucking a dwarf?

Next!



Who is she? The Head doesn't really know. She was in a movie called a Chinese Ghost Story. Pretty good movie, even if The Head had to read it. The one thing that stood out was this woman.

Just a really beautiful woman. And not in a slutty way or anything, which was weird
since the Head was still a teen, and slutty was all he knew. No sir, this little fortune cookie was something else entirely. This was marriage material!

Unfortunately, the relationship never really worked. The fact that we never met may have a little to do with it. Still, Joey Wang remains one of the prettiest and just plain most attractive women The Head has ever seen.

Next!



The Head is jumping ahead a little here, but he had to. Avril fucking Lavigne baby! The absolute horror The Head would do to this tiny canuck are illegal in most states. Who's your daddy Avril? That's right, The Head!

Why does The Head love this girl so much? No idea. She must emit some sort of long range pheromone or some such thing. But damnit, woooo!

The Head has always had a bit of a thing for the bad/weird girls. Maybe that's it. Or maybe it's her smoking body, cute as hell face, and the fact that swears like a sailor.

Avril Lavigne folks. She make The Head go "oh oh".

Next!



And now I've lost most of you. You see, back in the mid nineties, there was this Quebecois fille named Manon Rheaume who was trying to be the first female to play in the NHL. She managed to play 1 pre-season game with the Tampa Bay Lightning, but nothing more ever really happened for her. Mostly because as a goalie, I've seen dead goats do better.

Still, the fact that she was fucking hot helped her some. She was a hot chick who played hockey, which just made her hotter. Imagine being able to play a few hours of hockey, and then while still in the dressing room, get a quick B.J. While, I suppose anyone could do that, but your friends may look at you funny when you ask.

Manon captured my young heart, and I had dreams of the two of us meeting, and then having her tie me up with hockey tape, and... Let's just stop there. The Head was young and naive.

What's she up to now? Not a fucking clue. Porn? While finding the pictures for this post The Head couldn't bring himself to care enough to check.

Next!



This is the Martian Queen from the cartoon Duck Dodgers. Why is she hot? She's scantily clad, has a feisty attitude, and even though she's only a drawing, could kick The Head's ass.

The downside is that she doesn't have a mouth. She still manages to talk though... Kind of a nightmare for guys. No mouth but she can still talk...

At any rate, considering the anorexic trend in Hollywood these days, is it any wonder that The Head finds cartoon characters more attractive than the real life ones? Meh.

NEXT!



I assume that most of you are at least familiar with the TV show Buffy the Vampire Slayer. How about Sarah Michelle Gellar? Well, she's ugly. To hell with her.

Willow however, was cute as a button. The shy girl next door type is always a turn on. She was hot without even knowing she was hot. Now that's hot!

Willow grabbed The Head's attention from the first time he ever even saw the show. She was the type of girl you wanted to take to the malt shop and share a soda with, golly gosh!

Willow, also has the infamy of being the least attractive lesbian ever. Yes, at some point in the 4th season of the show, the creator's, in their infinite wisdom, decided that Willow should be a lesbian, and then dress like somebody who shops at the salvation army. Instead of cute little Willow, we had militant lesbian Willow. Then she started having sex with ugly women, and the fantasy was over.

But I'll always have Willow from seasons 1-3. Yeah, that's my girl.

Next!!!



What? Avril Lavigne again?!? Yes folks, she's just that sweet.

Here's a little song dedicated to Avril. Maybe she;ll use it on her next album!

Oh Avril, oh yeah yeah yeah
I want to tap you like a fucking keg
oh yeah yeah yeah

Oh Avril, oh yeah yeah yeah
I want you to handle my third leg
oh yeah yeah yeah

Oh Avril, oh yeah yeah yeah
Despite it all I know you'll take it like a trooper
Oh yeah yeah yeah

Oh Avril, Oh yeah yeah yeah
If the cooch is off limits how about the pooper?
Oh yeah yeah yeah

Not too bad, huh?

Next and last!



Ladies and gentlemen, meet Raven from the cartoon Teen Titans. Yes folks, I seem to have an unhealthy obsession with cartoon characters. The Head admits it.

Raven is a dark little Goth chick who hates the world and everybody. What the fuck's not to love? Skin tight outfit, legs that just keep going, and a certain youthful innocence does magic, and The Head is a geek who wishes he could cast 9th level spells and take out his enemies hit points!

This is The Head's current crush. What does it say about the quality of Hollywood actresses when a drawing is better than them? Lindsay Lohan? Eat a fucking cookie. Hillary Duff? Eat a fucking McDonald's franchise. The Head will stick with his fictional drawings and use the power of imagination.

So if you need The Head, he's going to be playing kissy face in his mind with a character from a children's cartoon. Maybe she'll let me round second! WHoo Hoo!